The Onion, America s Finest News Source

Onion crypto-hunter — effective methods of extermination

WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions, President Donald Trump reportedly stated “a dash of soap bubbles, two pinches of sunshine, and just a drop of imagination,” Friday while pouring ingredients into a fizzing…

Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump Announces It’s Coronavirus Cure

89-Year-Old Football Fan Still Finds It Surreal That Draftees Are Younger Than Him

BOCA RATON, FL—Shaking his head and admitting he has had the same feeling every draft for the past 60 years, 89-year-old football fan Ernest Allen confirmed Thursday that he still finds it surreal that NFL draftees are younger than him. “When I…

U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of a recent drop in the sexual-interest rate, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao announced Tuesday that blowjoblessness in America has reached a record high.

Earth Explodes

EARTH—In a move astronomers are calling “surprising,” the planet earth violently exploded yesterday, shattering into billions of tiny fragments and killing all life existing on it. “From all indications, the planet just spontaneously combusted,”…

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